Good and MAD

I am MAD, ANGRY, FRUSTRATED...whatever synonym you want to use, that would describe how I've been feeling for the past several months.

Part of the time I have been mad with myself. Sometimes I've been mad at others. Sadly, I have been the most upset with God.

I live in a Developing Country. I come from one of the richest and most powerful countries in the world and have lived a semi-privileged life. My life wasn't cushy by any means, but compared to the people I live and work with in poverty stricken situations, I led a good life.

These are just a few of the many things we are accustomed to as the “norm” that don't count for a good portion of the rest of the world. Experiencing life without all of the “luxuries” can make you bitter or better. The last few months, I think I have become a little bit more bitter instead of the better that God was intending for me.

Watching Elliott suffer (and subsequently many other critically ill children) has changed me in ways that I didn't know possible. Not having an adequate health system has fueled my anger for a long time. Sadly, in many instances it has made me angry, angry, angry. In my heart of hearts, I know that God is good and He loves His children and He wants the best for us. Watching an innocent child suffer so needlessly has made me question so many things. Why can't he be sick in America where there are more resources has been one of my questions. I do realize there are many children with his disease in the good old USA who also don't have answers and receive poor treatment. (grass is greener complex)

The past few months in the hospital has had many ups and downs. We thought we were going to lose him more than once. This last time, holding his tiny body in my arms and watching him turn blue, just about did me in. I realized today that I hadn't prayed since that day. When we finally revived him and we left the ER the following morning, I was numb. I held him close and cried myself to sleep. I have stayed in the “fog” if you will, for more than a week now.

Yesterday was another day of chaos as it relates to his health. Around 10 pm, when he aspirated again, I got ANGRY. Furious is more like it. Ironically (NOT) scripture started coming to mind and I started declaring them over his life, I prayed, I sang and I told the enemy what he could not do. God has given us so much authority and we often don't utilize it. I was definitely in this place. In my anger, I had stopped agreeing with the Lord of Lords and subconsciously started agreeing with the prince of this world. As I prayed for Elliott, I repented and wept and prayed, declared and sang some more.

Many times I feel helpless, and the truth is Toya is helpless without the Lord. I can do NOTHING myself. Fortunately, for you and I, the Lord tells us that HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.

The more I prayed and sang and recited scripture the angrier I became. Angry for what I allowed the enemy to steal, angry for how he deceives the world, angry for the chaos that comes because of this deception, and angry that we as Christians don't stand up and do what God calls us to do consistently. I could go on and on. All of my anger was unleashed on the enemy. Everything that I could think of that I allowed him to steal, I took back yesterday. Joy, peace, love, my sweet communion time with my Heavenly Father, etc. 

We still have a ways to go as it relates Elliott's health. I have no idea what things are going to look like but I know that I'm NOT alone, and Toya doesn't have to fight this battle. I am his warrior Princess, and He is the King who has all the weapons and assignments for how to win the war. I simply have to listen, obey, and use the weapons appropriately.

Worship is the weapon of choice for today. Today, I'm soooooooo happy that I got mad, the devil, not so much! Got my armor on and I'm ready to FIGHT!

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Ephesians 6:10-13