Pressing Forward

A HUGE thanks to all of you who have been sending me encouraging emails and facebook messages. I haven't had the energy or emotional stability to respond until now. It will take me a little bit to go back and answer every message personally but for now, Thank YOU. There are no words for me to express how grateful I am to know that so many of you are praying for me and loving me from afar. I wish that I could hug every neck and spend copious amounts of quality time with you but alas, email and skype is what I have for now. 

Rest assured in knowing that my Cameroon family has done an excellent job with taking care of me. (when I let them. I'm still stubborn and honestly struggling with feeling like a burden, but God has given them wisdom and insight as to how to deal with me)

I'll take a few moments to answer the FAQ of the last few weeks:

How am I?

This is a good question. The best answer is I'm not sure. I'm learning to live with a new normal that I don't want to be the new normal. In all honesty, I miss Elliott more than words can express. If I'm 100% honest, I am out of sorts and don't know what to do with myself. I finally ventured out of the house and have had to answer the question of "how is your baby?" I can finally answer without shedding tears.

How can I pray for you?

Other than the obvious prayer requests for peace and comfort...

My biggest issue right now is that I'm not sleeping. I have even gone against my own beliefs of NOT taking sleeping pills and I'm still awake. I have decided that it's just going to take time. Fortunately or not, right now I have a lot of that. My body is tired, my emotions are tired and yet when I lie down within an hour or two, I'm wide awake.

My second issue is for the first time in my life, I don't want to be alone. This is such a strange anomaly for me. My normal personality relishes in my alone time but these days I HATE it. My friends and roomies have done a fantastic job of being around without "crowding" me.

I am still learning to ask for what I need and not "being the strong one." While this is still tough for me, I'm so glad that I'm not taking this journey alone.

How can I help?/What can I do?

1. - Prayer. Living without him might be much harder than all we went through the last 6 months. I would gladly be fighting for his life rather than knowing that he's gone. I DESPERATELY need your prayers. I don't know what to tell you to pray for but I trust that you will listen to the Lord and He will guide you.

2. You can help other children with Infantile Spasms/West Syndrome. There is about $300 left of "Elliott's money." We will be using this to purchase medications needed to help other children and their families fight this disease. While Elliott didn't die from the West Syndrome (he died from a lung infection) there are countless numbers of children here in Cameroon and around the world who don't have the finances to pay for treatment that can help save their lives.  His neurologist is a specialist in the area of West Syndrome and children from all over the country are brought to him for treatment. In the next few weeks, I will make a trip back to Yaounde to purchase the medications and all the "stuff" needed for a few rounds of treatment. They will be presented to Dr. Mbassi to help needy families. Dr. Mbassi is a believer and has dedicated his life to helping the helpless. I promised him that the end of Elliott's life would not be the end of my involvement in his ministry. If you would like to be a part of making a difference in the life of future generations you can go to the blog and donate whatever amount, God lays on your heart to help. Please just email me to let me know that you are donating in Elliott's memory.

3. General financial support.

My current support needs are around $1,000 per month and current monthly support pledges are around $500 per month. God ALWAYS supplies and I am in constant awe of how He takes care of me and all of the needs I have and ministry projects. There have been numerous one time gifts or random emails with God just placed you on my heart and my family is giving this amount to bless you and your ministry. I have no idea how things manage to get done every month other than God supplying my needs. In the little over 3 months that we were in Yaounde for Elliott's hospital stay, we spent more than $10,000. I CAN'T explain it, there was no stockpile of money. All I can tell you is that when we needed it, the money was there. So, I trust that God will continue to supply. I would be lying if I said that this didn't put me on edge sometimes, but I walk by faith and not by sight. I am trusting God for more consistent monthly supporters. If you are led to give, you can donate online via my blog: http://hisbodyministries.blogspot.com. There is a a direct link to my ministry account with the National Christian Foundation. All gifts are tax deductible. Alternately, you can mail a check to NCF directly at: 11625 Rainwater Drive, Suite 500 -Alpharetta, GA 30009. Please write McLean Missions Fund on the memo line of your check.

4. - Random emails

I LOVE getting letters and email is the next best thing. Please continue to write to me and tell me about your lives and your families and how I can be praying for you. When you are living so far from home and so "out of your comfort zone," a few sentences from the people you love mean SO MUCH. I love hearing from you and feel like I am still a part of your life when I hear from you. You can send snail mail too, just message me for the address.

Are you coming "home?"

If by this, you mean will I be coming back to the U.S. The answer is YES. My tentative plans are to visit during the months of Dec. and January. God has done amazing work in Cameroon the past year and I want to share what He's doing with all of you. Nothing is firm yet, but in the coming weeks I hope to make some final decisions and firm plans. I have teams coming in March and perhaps another long term missionary coming to stay for several months in Jan. or Feb. so I can't stay too long. My prayer is that I will also be able to take a trip to Haiti during this time to visit the orphanages I work with there and to see my girls.

My question for you is, during my time in the U.S,  who do I visit first, second, and third?

While there is a time for mourning, I am anxious to "get back to work." My phone has already been ringing with people asking for counseling sessions, and wanting to know when I'm going to start visiting schools and when will the next soap making class be. (these are mainly people who didn't realize that Elliott has passed away) The guard at the Prison has called numerous times telling me that the inmates are asking when am I coming back to teach and I was just made aware of some groups of young women who need teaching/counseling etc. I am not going to push myself to do too much too soon but I firmly believe that God works best out of our brokenness and the best way for my healing to come is to pour into others. I don't know what I will end up doing first but I know that God can use all of this pain, Elliott's story and my life for His glory.

I am on a quest to find out what my new life looks like and trying to make sense of all that has happened. It's not easy, but I refuse to give up! God is still good and there are so many who need to find this out!

I have a very special thanks to my Cameroon family and my fellow Missionary and partner in crime - Sherri. You guys have shown me love and support that I never knew I would ever need. You were all there from day one of bringing Elliott home and every step of the way throughout this journey. I'm so very, very grateful. We have shared all the joy, laughter and tears. Thank you for making me a better person and a stronger Christian. Thank you for reminding me of who I am, who I'm NOT and who God is. You have truly shown me what it is to be a family and have walked out the scripture iron sharpening iron. I love you more than words can say and look forward to the rest of the journey that God has called us to!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of my family, friends, church family and even the people I have never met that read my newsletters, pray for me daily and support me in so many ways. Blessings to all of you!